What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
