My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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