FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
