my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize