i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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