I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
