You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
