I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
