you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
