Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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