Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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