no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
