wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
