dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
