I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
