Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
