so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
