that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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