she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
