I faked an abortion last night.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
