His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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