The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
