pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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