Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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