i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
