he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
