I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
