I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
