Will you blow on my dice?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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