he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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