I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
