Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
