don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
