I just threw up on my dentist
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
