take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
