my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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