I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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