If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
