Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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