i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize