Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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