Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
