If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
