Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
