now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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