The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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