Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
