So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
