you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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