I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
