he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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