I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
