I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
