I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
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