I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the day after is always just damage control
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
