First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
