he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
