I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
