Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
