so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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