Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
