She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
