We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
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