i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
