I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Are we still banned from the library?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
